I don’t hate them, I just hate what they are doing to me. Atleast that’s the conclusion I came too after thinking about it for three hours. I mean saying I hate my parents is a strong thing to say. And it’s not Christ-like.

            They are just people. And everyone makes mistakes and terribly thought out choices. I think they are doing the best they can. At least I dagly hope they are.

           

            Ever since my mom told me of the impending divorce, I have had to grieve the literal death of my family as I know it. I also deal with rejection, loneliness, and confusion. None of those are from God.  

            One of the other things that’s happening to me that I hate is the way I have hardened. It seems like in the past month I have grown more apathetic towards life, and I don’t seem to have the same passion or verocity that used to rein in my heart. Where I used to have a soft caring towards something, now gets rolled over by my stone cold feelings. It’s not cool. I admit that I don’t like it. And it’s momentum is not something I want to continue in my life.

             I don’t really know what else to write in here right now. But on a seemingly positive note, my parents are going to try counseling, and maybe work through some of their stupid issues. But my mom seems to emphasize “it might not work tho.” Like she doesn’t want our hopes to get up. That’s sad.

 

            I can’t help but wonder why. Hmm. One thing I really need pick up again is reading the word and praying…..like daily. I pretty much lost all hopes or ambition during the last month and blah–de-blahed my way without it. I can tell I’ve grown spiritually weaker. I’m not sure if other people can tell, but I wouldn’t doubt if they noticed I’ve changed.

            I need God because I cant do this on my own. I cant. I’m just a dumb lowly human cowering in the corner with no idea of where to turn next…..except to Him.

 

Lost Heart Turning .....By Me

I feel like Im black, Im white
Im alright, then I've cried
hiding these things deep within my heart
scared to see them emerge.

I smile, then I frown,
I feel joy, then im right back down
a confusing state eats at my mind
Im not sure where to turn.

Running left then right
No open roads
No open hearts
Im alone.

I look side to side
I drop to my knees, tears stream down my face
Please God be with me
Your the only one who knows my pain.

Its soo awesome how people from church have been so supportive of me through this time. Only a few of them know, but they care so much about me. More than I ever thought. And God is just really making himself known to me more than ever. He is always there for me.

   Im not sure whats going on right my parents right now. Nobodys talked about it for alike a week. Its weird. But when my mom talks about the future, she doesnt seem to inlude my dad. And I found her wedding ring in the bathroom...which means shes not wearing it. I dont like this whole living in limbo thing, i wish my parent could just talk this whole thing out and get everything straight.


-me-

   So i sit here in my house. Nobodys said the word divorce out in the open yet. Its still a quite hushed thing that hides in the darkness like a spider thats crawling up your leg and biting you every so often. My mom said something about going to see a lawyer, but I dont know if she has.  Theres just a really weird and awkward vibe running through my house at all times. I dont like it. I wish everyone would just openly talk about whats going on so we are all on the same page.
   So far I have only told a few people about it. My youth pastor and his wife, and my best friend. I dont want to keep it a secret, or play games with my words saying to everyone that Im doing "swell." But I guess until I get some action behind all these words, until then, Im just going to try my hardest not to go talking about it to everyone. And what would I say anyways? "Hey guys, my parents are getting divorced, and Im moving 20 minutes away. Hows your summer going?"


  later

 

  I was on a trip last week. It was awesome. But I came home, and then went off to one of my friends grad parties. When my mom picked me up later...she told me we had to have a little conversation. Tons of things rushed through my head..."What did I do wrong?" "Did someone die?" "What happened while I was gone?". I asked her If I was in trouble, or if I did something wrong. She said no, but that she needed to organize her thoughts before she told me.
   So we drove got down to this one parking area, and she stated to cry. A little voice in the back back of my head had whispered exactly what she was about to tell me. "Me and your father are getting a divorce."
  This was last night. I woke up this morning and I thought it was all a dream. It cant happen to me. I am the girl who everyone thinks has a perfect family with a perfect life. Im not sure what to do with myself right now. I cried in church this morning, so did my mom. My dad and sister dont go to church with us, and if they did, I dont know if we would have cried. Sharing emotion in our family isnt something thats done. But Im glad that a few adults in church know now, so I dont have to keep it a secret, or pretend that everythings just hunky dory.
   Right now I am scared of telling my friends and anyone else. I am afraid that they will think I am a different person, or wont know how to come to me and therefor will just ignore me. Or they wont want to hang out with me anymore. I dont know. I dont know how to deal with this. And a ton of my friends (more than not) come from split homes, but it happened when they were younger.

    ^"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose."  Romans 8:28


   God I dont know what good will come out of this...but please keep me in your protection. I dont want to stray away from you right now. Please give me strength and purpose and courage during this time in my life. And please bring people in my life that will help me and just be good with me and for me. And God, if theres anyway that my parents marrige can heal, please let that happen. Amen.

   Now here is my story, as it unfolds, from the perspective of a christian teenage girl whose parents are getting a divorce.

 
    -Jenna Claire-